By Doug Strickel
Most of us have heard the phrase “tough love.” In most cases, someone uses that comment in reference to require someone to take responsibility for their actions. That someone is normally a child, an addict, or someone close to us that we care about but want to teach a lesson. The approach is normally one of placing restrictions, choosing not to intervene, or allowing consequences to impact the individual.
I have heard many well-known writers and speakers reference practicing tough love in lieu of enabling. I fully understand the principle. If you really care about someone, you want them to do better, be better, and get better! Sometimes moving toward better requires a process and can be painful. In the long term though, it’s for their own good.
I heard Dave Ramsey, a well known financial advisor, speak on tough love many times in reference to teaching and learning financial principles. Others have used the tough love phrase and approach with legal matters, addiction issues, employment challenges, and any number of other challenges in life.
I don’t have an issue with the tough love concept, but I prefer a different approach. Consider reversing those words to the focus of love tough. The simple difference is that we start with love.
We love; therefore, we are willing to:
- Have tough conversations
- Make tough decisions
- Allow tough outcomes
- Support tough times
- Wait through tough periods
I heard Andy Stanley, pastor and leadership speaker, make the following comment:
“Rules without Relationship leads to Rebellion”
The relationship must precede the rule. Love must come before our actions or lack of action. Our concern for the individual needs to be clear. We can’t just stand by “what” we are going to do but also need to clarify the “why” upfront. If the “why” is not driving the “what”, then we are purely transactional when we need to be transformational.
In the New Testament, Jesus tells the story of one of two sons that goes to his father and asks for his inheritance. He wants his money and wants a different life. In other words, he tells his father that he wishes that his father was dead so he could get his money to live his own life. The father willingly gives his son the full inheritance and allows him to leave and squander the money. The son suffers due to his reckless living and eventually goes home in shame. The father has been waiting for his son to return and welcomes him home.
While the story teaches of God’s love for people, it also provides a great example of loving tough. Some may say that the relationship was restored, but the father never gave up on the relationship. The father loved the son before, during, and after the encounter.
You may be contemplating tough love or practicing it now, but I encourage you to consider flipping it to love tough. Make sure your “why” precedes that “what”.
You want a transformed life not a transactional punishment to “show them”. That transformed life may require some pain through the process, but love is at the beginning, center, and end of the process.
Remember, transformation is the goal!
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