When you go up, your pets won’t wind up down 

The following is a Public Service Announcement from The Division of the Least of These Things to Worry About, Ever, My Brethren.  

A guy created a website and, for a while there, had people believing he’d recruited well-meaning and caring atheists who’d care for the pets of Christians after their rapture.  

In other words, “Send money. Rest easy.” 

I’ll hang on a second while you read that again because me my own self had to ponder it too, the first time I heard it; I had never had the thought either. Ever. And it’s not because I don’t love my pets. I do. But … while I’ve heard bizarre things, this might be at the top of the heap. 

Bizarro Mountain. 

Bizarro Mountain Range, even. 

NPR reported that a guy charged “hundreds of people more than $100 apiece, promising the business would care for their pets after the owners were carried up to Heaven. The self-described animal-loving atheist called his site Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. The New Hampshire Insurance Department thought some monkey business might be going on and decided to investigate”. 

Props to the New Hampshire Insurance Department, which seldom gets props. 

Life’s not fair. 

Anyway, the New Hampshire Insurance Department guy in charge of Pre-Rapture Pets, Etc. guy said it was a hoax. Which it was, same as the After the Rapture Pet Care site inventor admitted. 

I think they said this pre-rapture. Lord, I hope so. 

But I’ll give both guys points for creativity. 

For my pet’s future, I’d bet it on the After the Rapture Pet Care guy. He charged only a $10 registration fee, because those Left Behind were going to “care for the pets they rescue as their own, including being financially responsible for them,” the site claimed. 

Indulge me for a sec, and if you’ve read this far, you already have. The After the Rapture Pet Care guy, or (ATRPCG), also typed this on his site, under the ingenious “Frequently Asked Questions” part, (which I thought was a nice touch): 

Who are these Volunteer Pet Caretakers and how do I know they’ll take good care of my pets? 

Most Volunteer Pet Caretakers fit this description: 

  • They are atheists or another non-Christian religion; 
  • They love animals enough to register with us even though they do not believe there will be a Rapture (or are agnostic about it); 
  • (My words, because this bullet point was the part about how they’d treat your pets as their own — their still-alive-but-non-raptured own.)  

Another of the FAQ’s questions is, “Isn’t the world going to be totally collapsed after the Rapture?” It’s a long answer on the website, but the short answer from this bureau is, “Yes. That’s an affirm. Bet your hat. If you have gift cards, use them ASAP. If you have one from After the Rapture Pet Care, well … ” 

Lord have mercy …  

We conclude with a sobering thought, I think from Mark Twain, and it’s one of my favorite thoughts, at least one of my favorite sobering ones, and should ease the mind of all us pet lovers who are worried about how things might end up for animals we loved, as if God who created them isn’t aware: 

“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.” 

Amen. 

Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu 


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