By Brandon Ramsey
Do you feel life sometimes gets in the way of your plans? Life tends to be unpredictable and challenging most of the time. It does not seem to follow the plot of a “Leave it to Beaver” episode. There is no sweet peaceful life that gets interrupted by a practical issue and then is wrapped up in a great little moral lesson within an hour of life. The characters in your life do not tend to stick to the script you wish you could write out for them. So many times as individuals we compare our life and all its imperfections to what we see on TV, hear on talk radio, or worst of all, what we think others’ relationships are like. This is very dangerous because things are “never” what they seem. Actors have scripts prepared by a host of writers, and we are very good at putting on masks so that others do not see our imperfections.
One of the most destructive actions that many people resort to, in an effort to make our families like Ward and June Cleaver, is to be very controlling. We say to ourselves that if we just stay on top of everything then our family will be happier because we will have fewer problems. What is really being said is that I will be happier because I will feel like I have more control over what happens in my life. This control can actually drive a wedge of resentment into a family. Dominating control has no place in a family relationship. We should constantly ask ourselves if we truly seek input from our families in decision making or are we making decisions for them. As leaders in families or communities we should strive to be a person who finds common ground with all the parties involved, rather than insisting on just what we believe to be right.
I am not stating that we should not sometimes push people to do things outside of their comfort zone. However, this should happen only when it is in the individual’s best interest and in most cases has been discussed with that person. It is healthy for you to strive for results that will improve the individual and relationship together, although many times the result you expect is too lofty a goal and often unachievable. No one is perfect. And for those of you who want to question that last statement, it especially describes you.
A family I worked with years ago provides a good example. The mother made little sticky notes for each member of the family with a detailed list of things they needed to accomplish for that day. She could not understand why everyone had such a problem with her notes and why everyone could not just do what was on their note. She believed if everyone would just do what she wrote, life would be perfect. In all my young counselor wisdom I told her it was perfect. And she would have no problem if life was lived out on sticky notes. She was afraid to risk two things: doing something different and losing her control.
The way to keep these types of behaviors from becoming prominent in your relationships is to constantly communicate with everyone about their goals for the future. Have frequent discussions about goals or other topics of interest to your family members, and get their input on how they feel is the best way to achieve a goal or solve a problem. Interesting enough, these goals and methods of achieving them might change over time. If you realize that you have made decisions that impact others in the relationship without their input, then control might be your issue. One of the greatest discoveries in relationships and business is that when people feel they have a part in the planning they are much more willing to work through problems that might arise.
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One of the new features we are implementing in this article is to take article ideas from the readers. This would be a great way for readers to get questions about general topics answered by a professional. We will do our best to cover every topic throughout the year. You can submit your topic ideas by email , counselorbrandon1@gmail.com, or send them in writing to Faith in the Family, 200 South Trenton Street, Ruston, LA, 71270. For more specific individual topics, please take a risk and call for an appointment.
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Brandon is the Owner/Director of Faith in the Family Counseling. He has been practicing in Ruston for over 16 years. His website is http://www.faithinthefamily.life. Brandon was born and raised in Ruston and is a graduate of Ruston High and Louisiana Tech. He is married to Marcie Ramsey and has three childen.
