By Brandon Ramsey
Have you ever thought about going to counseling for anger issues? Have you ever insisted that your spouse or friends attend? I usually get much more response out of the latter. Does it seem out of place to hear me as a counselor say, “There is nothing wrong with anger!” Not what you expect to hear from someone you come to for anger management? Unfortunately our society has a skewed view of what anger is and its function.
Anger management is not eliminating anger; it is simply learning how to manage your behavior when you become angry. Anger is a natural emotion. In fact it is one of the most beneficial emotions. Anger is a warning sign. It tells our mind there is a stimulus that our body, mind, or spirit is not happy or agreeing with. Without anger we would not know when to set boundaries or take certain actions. Could you imagine a world where people did not have warning signs when they were losing their cool and would explode at the drop of a hat? I know, right now you are saying, “What fantasy world do you live in? Have you watched the news lately?”
I know violence is at an all-time high. Or maybe we just see more of it with all the media out there. That is one of the reasons I have a hard time watching the news. I can’t stand to watch the injustice and hatred. But believe me when I say that it is not the lack of warning signs that is causing the trend of uncontrollable angry actions in our world, country, cities, and homes. It is the total disregard for these warning signs.
Anger is not the problem. It is our actions when we are angry. Sounds like the old “Which came first, the chicken or the egg” quote, right? But think about it, nobody ever got in trouble or arrested for sitting in a chair and sulking. Issues arise when our actions exceed the normal spectrum of acceptable behavior. We step over the line when we harm ourselves or someone else physically or emotionally through violence. I once heard a great quote that described violence.
“Any attempt to control another person is violence.” Mahatma Gandhi
Take a second to understand those words. Any violent and angry act can usually be categorized by that statement. When we take actions that result from anger, we are focused on making someone stop doing what they are doing. We resort to violence and angry actions because we do not agree with it and we do not have the tools or do not want to exert the energy to stop that action through compromise and communication. We can attempt to control someone’s actions in so many ways. Control can come through physical aggression or threats of it, financial restrictions, withholding of love or affirmation in a relationship, and many other ways.
The most beneficial way to deal with your own or someone else’s anger issues is not to stop being angry, but to find new and better ways to handle your actions while you are angry. Because you will never stop being angry!
