By Brandon Ramsey
Divorce is such an ugly word! And for an individual who is currently experiencing it or has had to endure it in the past, it can be completely overwhelming. Unfortunately, we as a society do very little to dull the pain. In fact in many cases we make going through this tragedy unbearable. We use statements like, “You’ll be ok. You don’t need him/her. You’re free now.”
Now mind you, we do not voice these statements with intention of mortally wounding our friend. We truly believe that this is what they need to hear. The truth is that to someone going through a divorce, these statements can seem like daggers piercing one’s soul.
We need to understand that the psychological effects of someone going through a divorce are almost identical to someone losing a loved one to death. It gives a whole new meaning to the old statement, “You’re dead to me,” doesn’t it? If you take the time to think about the reality of divorce, it bears great similarities to death.
When you take someone that you truly care for (even though you may not always like their actions, you love the person you initially fell in love with) and tear them out of your life, it leaves a large hole. Our first reaction is to try to help someone move on and leave these horrible feelings behind, but it takes time to deal with such a loss. If it is not dealt with correctly or if it is even dealt with it at all, it will continue to be a problem for years to come.
I had a client come in to see me because she was dealing with a divorce. It had completely floored her. She was having a hard time even functioning. About half way through the session she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Should I go out and date? My friends said I should, to get him out of my system.” This young lady had not been divorced three weeks, could not get out of the bed in the morning, and her “friends” were convinced that she should move into dating. She was not ready for that, not to mention that moving back into the dating scene is one of the most stressful things you can do.
There is an old Hebrew custom called “sitting shivah.” When someone lost a loved one, you would go to their house and just sit with them. Just be present. If they needed to cry you cried. If they needed to yell you yelled. If they needed to sit you just sat. So maybe we should go retro, take a tip from our ancestors and just help our friends deal with their loss the way they need to. They need friends supporting them, not pushing them.
