I was wrapping up a strategy and leadership seminar in Indianapolis last week when I overheard a discussion with some of the participants. One of the more vocal, visible, and recognized members of the team was debating a subject we had discussed earlier in the day with other team members. While he was clearly correct in his statement, his tone and approach in delivering his comments were very demeaning and condescending to the group. I couldn’t help but notice their response and reaction to him.
Watching that interaction reminded me of a relationship and leadership truth that I learned years ago. Winning the argument or debate may not always be the right thing. We can get so fixated on being right, winning the argument, or coming out on top of a debate that we do more harm than good. The harm done to relationships, team culture, group engagement, or overall morale may far outweigh the fact that we were “right”.
We live in a culture that is very achievement focused. As such, we can live very transactional lives and develop very transactional relationships. Transactional meaning that we give so that we get in return. We expect something for our efforts, our interests, or our involvement. With the heavy emphasis on achievement, advancement, and personal recognition, we often lack empathy and have little awareness of the harm we may be doing to others or to the organization.
The answer is not to shy away from providing input, sharing a valuable thought, or posing a different view on a matter. The key is how. Our motivation and approach must come from a position of confident humility. We need to be confident that what we have to offer is worthwhile and valuable, but also humble in our approach. Connect with others. Don’t attack them. Focus on what’s best for the relationship or organization and not a personal “win” by being right. Many times, I have found that just asking the right questions and starting a needed discussion was all I could do. The outcome was out of my hands anyway.
We see this very issue playing out on a national stage with the 2024 presidential race. We see passionate people debating their points of view. Platforms and viewpoints get a lot of attention. However, the key is not who is right or wrong on a specific subject. The key is really who is best equipped to lead regarding the issues most vital to success. Leadership is not having 51% of the people following, but rather having the capacity to unite both sides to pursue a common purpose.
Our nature is to want to be “right” when faced with conflict or disagreement. However, as previously stated, being “right” may not always be the right thing. The best approach I have seen is to help steer people in the right direction and let them discover the right solution. When you can have that type of influence, you create unity, build teams, strengthen relationships, and engage others to work toward a common cause.
As we progress through 2024, will you consider “doing right” rather than fighting to be “right”. Look for opportunities to connect with others that may have opposing views. Ask questions, listen, and humbly share your thoughts. If we can all learn to ask more and listen better, we might just figure out we aren’t that far apart on the most important things!
