Since the cold, hard winter won’t let go — polar this, vortex that — it’s time for men everywhere to reevaluate their underwear situation.
Better safe than sorry.
Some will delay the decision and be left wanting. They might think as I did in college, that underwear is overrated. They are silly men. As we grow older, we wear underwear to conform, in a loose sense, and to make concessions to maturity, to age, and, one would think, to strict workplace policy.
A man with a solid staple of underwear has one less thing over which to worry. Or under which to worry. Knowing what you’re about, drawerwise, frees you to do all the other things you’ve always wanted to do, like shoot par or win the Pulitzer. It’s hard for a guy to shoot par or win the Pulitzer if there’s a draft in the basement.
So, since we are here to serve …
… following are the main types of underwear and their pros and cons. Due to space constraints and subject matter, we’ll be brief.
TRADITIONAL high-on-the-thigh briefs: Like men’s swimsuits of the ’50s, these have been standard for centuries (a dry-rotted pair was found in King Tut’s tomb) and are still the most-used brief. Often worn because our fathers wore them. But think about it: the way these are cut promotes chafing and general angst. Subconsciously, this regulation fit gets to you after a while. You don’t realize it, but your current job performance, that time in ’82 you wrecked your car, even that “D” in sophomore Algebra could all be traced back to an underlying problem — subconscious chafing woes.
BOXERS: Removes the rubs-you-the-wrong-way factor but leaves you open for other problems. Support is nonexistent. Boxers are good to wear only if you are A) sleeping or B) fighting for the world heavyweight championship. Otherwise, too dangerous to depend on in the heat of battle. But all things considered, still the second-best thing to wear.
BIKINI BRIEFS: Never have, never will. Besides posing a serious double-chafe threat, bikini briefs are not admitted in most hospital emergency rooms. A sitting U.S. president is not allowed to wear them because he would feel weird sitting and because they pose, and I quote from no less than the Constitution here, “a national security threat and all.” Though a ban on bikini briefs might violate The Bill of Rights, we’d still file it under The Bill of Wrongs.
Until we elect a female president, I rest my case. Elect a female president and it’s a different ballgame altogether.
BUTTON-UP BRIEFS: More novelty than substance. I’m going to ask you to use your common sense here. Buttons? On briefs? WHY? We’ve already got to worry about a zipper in that area and now you want to add buttons? That puts us on the dangerous slippery slope toward cufflinks in the netheregions. The gentleman from Louisiana votes NAY.
MIDBRIEFS: NOW we’re talkin’! Provides the bigger feel of boxers with the security of the regulation brief. The cotton goes halfway down the thigh, like a gym short in length, but tighter for confidence. Eliminates the Chafe Factor. Gives you the athletic feel so you think you’re playing center field for the Yankees when you’re really just sitting there grading a paper or eating your supper or typing a story.
If Babe Ruth had been underwear, he’d have been midbriefs.
Still unsure? I am working with the graphics department even now to produce a pamphlet listing each type of underwear, through history, grouped according to classification, family, phylum, subphylum, kingdom, subkingdom, and maximum recommended air pressure psi.
We’ll try our best to get you one before that cold winter wind blows again.
Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu
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