Dear Ask the Paperboy,
With the ongoing media assault about something called cyclosporiasis and the unnerving term “explosive diarrhea,” it seems that Right Now is not a particularly good time to be a colon. Does Paperboy have any insight, encouragement, or advice? We have our fingers crossed. And our legs.
Impatient in New Iberia
Dear Impatient,
These are the times that try men’s colons. While official colon-carrying public health watchdogs continue to investigate the multistate outbreak of digestive-related illness, no excretory system is safe until the nasty parasite causing the damage is caught, tried, and locked away for good.
The problem is that many parasites are microscopic, not good news if the parasite wants to play in the NBA but outstanding news if the parasite wants to cause trouble on a wide scale while hiding in plain sight.
Paperboy feels certain we’ll locate the cause of the outbreak and quell the uprising soon. We’ve landed on the moon and brought the crew back safely. We’ve climbed Everest. We’ve survived heavy metal. We can, for lack of a better term, come out the other side of this happy and healthy, maybe even a few pounds lighter.
While on the subject, is Paperboy the only one, or is “explosive” redundant in the phrase “explosive diarrhea”?, (or “ED,” in scientific parlance, as if we needed more disturbing news from that particular abbreviation). Either way, this bureau is anti-cyclosporiasis, 10 times out of 10. Paperboy hopes you and yours are washing all fruits and vegetables and staying within the gravitational pull of a bathroom, just in case.
Dear Ask the Paperboy,
Can you envision a curse worse than cyclosporiasis? Getting run over by a herd of bison or having to watch the USA soccer team, sure. But in bathroom-related travails, could cyclosporiasis be at the head of the Living Nightmare line?
Disheartened John from Jonesboro
Dear John,
You won’t believe this but … roughly 10 years ago, a settlement worth $18 million was reached — it involved nearly 2.5 million plaintiffs — over defective pressurized flushing mechanisms that could cause some toilets to explode and DID cause some toilets to explode. Sometimes the toilets were not being manned, but sometimes they were. True story.
The company was aware of the faulty equipment but, to continue a theme, just sat on the pot and didn’t say anything, so to speak. But once the fur and porcelain flew a time or two, school was out. Can you imagine? You are literally minding your own business and suddenly you feel like you’re being launched toward the International Space Station.
Hopefully our long national nightmare will soon be over and we can call it a “rest” room again.
Dear Ask the Paperboy,
While on the tacky subject, why is the bathroom sometimes called the john?
John (Again, Still Concerned and Possibly Disheartened)
Dear John,
It’s not your fault. The flushing toilet was invented by Sir John Harington in the 16th century, specifically for Queen Elizabeth I for when Elizabeth I needed to go Number 2. The reality of the bathroom is the same for the prince or the pauper, which is why Paperboy is such a plumbing groupie: everyone needs it, and you can’t buy it online.
This invention brought Sir John much glory, although few people in the Queen’s Court would shake his hand.
Other funny but everyday names for the john proper or bathroom include the can, the powder room, the loo (our British friends), the lavatory, the washroom, the privy, or the restroom.
While “the loo” seems cheery and bright, there are other terms that are not so, although their beginnings were innocent enough. For educational purposes — although the term is a bit harsh — it must be said that Thomas Crapper, an English plumber, improved on John’s john in the late 1800s. It is largely Tom, through his plumbing ingenuity, who has allowed us the easy flushing life we enjoy today — when the commodes aren’t exploding, of course, which is no fault of Mr. Crapper.
Tough break on the name, but let’s be honest: Tom had us all, including Paperboy, at “float valve.”
Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu
